Monday, April 30, 2012

Back at the weekly grind!

It's been a few days, again... Sorry for the dropping below the radar.

As I mentioned Wednesday, I have suspended the intake of beer and wine. I am getting bored with my routine and thought I would try out clear headed evenings, just like when I was a teenager. Not saying that every evening was spent in a "hammered" state, but the daily drinking takes a toll both in tonnage and mental clarity.

One thing I have been enjoying is having a coke poured over ice! We have one with lunch everyday. A real treat as a beverage, but I try to have sprite or ginger ale at other times.

The nice reader is wondering where I am going with all this, and it's not where you think. Thursday morning I felt a little ill and it got worse as the day progressed and I found myself bed ridden by late afternoon. It wasn't food poisoning, or anything like that. But there was definitely something going on that was double-plus-ungood.

This was my body telling me to stop the non-drinking nonsense, and get back on the suds!

Or not. Can't be sure. All I know was there was discomfort so off to the 'Net I went, in search of answers.

Remember the sage advice given by somebody wearing a sausage spice; "One who practices medicine on himself is seeing a Quack!"

The Web tells me that I am obviously in need of a "Liver Cleanse".

Hmmm, could be. Liver is bad (Have you eaten liver? Bad!) and it must be punished. No one has done more punishing of the liver than I. All those kegs and bottles through out thirty years of consummate boozing must have some sort of consequences, right?

I figure there must be something to the holistic gabbledygook, so off I go on my new course of quackery.

By Thursday afternoon I am completely verklempt, and feeling in the weeds. So I drive to Winn Dixie and get the prescribed Epsom Salts, lemons and grapefruit. Back home in a flash, as my eyes were crossing and waves of cramping in the ol' gut.

By the way; My duties to She Who Will Be Obeyed have not been dismissed due to a little stomach bug, oh noes. I still had to perform my normal go-get functions, while enjoying the intense cramping that my possible affliction with liver stones/gall stones provide.

So get this; The first step of this so-called liver cleanse is to eat a non fat lunch. No problem there. Fast from 1400  on. No problem there, either. At 1800 fix 3/4 cup of water with one heaping tablespoon of epsom salts, with a little grapefruit juice to flavor it up. Shake until a solution, enjoy. Same thing at 2000. During the waiting periods I napped in discomfort. At 2145, I was to mix 1/2 cup of freshly squeezed grapefruit juice (nothing but fresh!), 1/4 cup of lemon juice, poured into a jar. Next, measure 3/4 cup of light olive oil and add to the cup. Shake and mix thoroughly. "It will mix, provided you follow instructions and use freshly squeezed juice", rebuked the official instructions...

I did as instructed. Next step; Go to the bathroom... (I don't need to be told, believe me!) Wait until 2200 sharp, shake the mixture and drink while standing up.  (???!!!) Is this because I might hurl?

Yes, I kept it down.

Next step; Go to bed, lay on your right side in a fetal position and think warm and pleasant thoughts about your liver and close off any negative thoughts about other people or things. Here is the actual quote;

Try to think about what is happening in the liver. Think loving thoughts - your liver is sensitive and responsive to feelings of resentment, vindictiveness and hate. Try to keep perfectly still for about half an hour or at least 20 minutes.

There is no way a real man would utter that quoted paragraph. Written by a "womyn", for sure. Look, I just want this pain gone, not buy the world a coke and keep it company. (That link is nothing but Socialism as our Betters envision it)

I was too far gone into this deal so I just went to bed along with three very interested Siamese kittehs who wanted to perform Cat-Scans on me. I let them, and we slept in a uncomfortable pile of too much warmth and the now usual stomach discomfort. I was awake every hour or so, but would quickly go back to sleep.

Up at 0630, I was surprised that I still was uncomfortable but not needing to run to the Head to get rid of these nasty potions I had taken. At 0700 I treated myself to another epsom salt tonic which was repeated at 0900 and thankfully, was the final treatment. I also helped myself to some fresh water to help rehydrate.

The "Cleanse treatment" recommends that this day is for yourself, lay down and relax, visit the Head whenever needed. Breakfast will be at 1100, they recommend fruit and juices...

At 0930 I mustered quickly to the Head. The seal had finally broke and I was freeeee! The epsom salts had performed as advertised. The release of abdominal pressure and subsequent expulsion reminded me of the shuttle leaving the pad... I expect a radio call any moment informing me that I was now clear of the launch tower, Houston was controlling and that I should start my roll program.

I'm adding this graphic video because I can. I miss our space program...

There was some more napping which was interrupted by emergent visits to the head. Six, to be exact. I was still feeling the pain in my stomach, but there was no doubt that a cleansing had been performed. Knowing (pessimistically) the lack of availability for health care, I knew I would have to wait to make an appointment on Monday to see a doctor, or else go to the emergency room. So I decided I was not really in extremis, so I could wait to make a proper appointment later on.

The rest of Friday I felt a little better, and felt extremely stupid for going through that cleanse operation. I still had some cramping, but the situation was improving. As I write this there is the occasional twinge, but nothing like Thursday afternoon. I am a quack.

I had my first small meal on Friday evening. Saturday, I had two light meals and some ginger ale. We even spent a few hours at the Yacht Club, admiring the beautiful St Johns River and the clear blue skies.

Mission wrap up: Small stomach virus. I will see the Doc in the next few days to get his concurrence and do a physical while I am at it. As for the beer and wine, I will keep it a severe minimum. Maybe a bottle with dinner but that will be it. I am enjoying my clear head and soda pop.

Have a great rest of the week, and keep stroking!


Buck said...

Liver is bad (Have you eaten liver? Bad!) and it must be punished.

Heh on one count (punished!). I'm one of those weirdos who LIKE liver. Calves liver... not the older kind, which, I will grant you, is inedible... fried up with a mess of onions is simply dee-licious. But it's hard to find in restaurants, even harder to find done right.

As for quackery... great blog-fodder. But that's about IT, no?

I drink EVERY day, always in moderation. Rarely do I ever exceed two beers before dinner and two fingers of single malt after... but there's that "once in a while" thang, like hockey games with SN1, when I've been known to (ahem) be excessive. I make up for that by goin' on the wagon the next day. My liver hasn't complained ONCE.

Barco Sin Vela II said...

Thanks for the input, Buck.

I know some enjoy liver, never me.

Not sure if my ailment is liver related or anything else. Once again, I am a quack. There is a Doctor visit sked for tomorrow morning and I will get a better review of the situation. I really think it's a bug.