Not so fast...

I got an appointment for a Doctor visit scheduled for Tuesday, 0930. I was on time, but had to wait the nominal 15 minutes for their convenience. At 0950, I was directed into a weighing chamber where a nice older lady begins berating me for various issues, none of which are medically related. (She brought up Naval Service because her husband is Navy Retired, Like I give a F&^%$). I bet he enjoyed his Sea Service Time.

I was placed in a waiting chamber and ordered to disrobe to skivvies and to sit on the paper covered throne, the Doctor will soon be in. Time begins to drag and the paper covered elevated table is now uncomfortable, so I pass the moments reading a poster listing the Old Testament family tree from Adam to Jesus.

The Doctor comes in about fifteen minutes later and he asks, "What are you doing?"

"I'm getting my head around this Family Tree and the placement of names/dates".

Clearly, he is annoyed that I disregarded the instructions concerning my staying put in the "People's Pozish". He asks what is the problem today?

I gave the long story and went back to ten days before, covered the stoppage of beer to the cessation of normalcy in my upper abdominal area.

The stethoscope came out, then the breathing exercises and finally, the invitation to lay flat on the back is made. As pressure was digitally placed around the starboard side of my upper stomach, I felt a pain. He tried again with the same result.

"This may indicate that there is something more than just internal gas causing your discomfort, we will order up some more tests for this afternoon; Please stand and drop your skivvies." The Doctor calmly ordered.

I complied, and did the old turn and cough. The reader knows the next indignity...

"Doc', there's nothing wrong there..." I uselessly whined.

"Oh, you are fine there, no enlargement or any issues", My newest Buddy said.

Yeah. I was not keen on any of that crap. Why is it I never get that new blood test they have for prostate health? After twenty years of Flight Physicals and semi regular checks, I am confident that since my prostate has been a veritable truck stop of activity that I will probably miss out on any of the valid health concerns in that area.

The discussion soon turned to my wretched drinking habits, and I was mostly truthful about my daily intake.

"Maybe you are just having D.T.'s, heh, heh", he weakly joked.

"Funny, Doc".

I was then lectured on how I should not consume more than one drink a day.

"Why stop at one?" I replied.

Definitely starting on the wrong foot here and I am sensing the Biblical Rebuke from the "Mayn-ah of-ah Ghawd-ah".

When I replied to the negative of his next query if I was of the Bab-tist faith, he seemed to revert back to jes plain Doctoring.

"We're going to do a Cat Scan this afternoon, get some blood work and see you again tomorrow at 1430."

Oh. Kay.

I was summarily dismissed back to the office and was invited to take a seat. 30 minutes later I was told to hurry to St Vincent's Hospital for my rush Cat Scan.

Why do I need to rush? DId I not cool my heels for thirty wasted minutes???

I went home, reported the results of my fun morning and made lunch for the Spousal Unit. Afterwards, I went to the hospital for a couple more hours of waiting and a test.

Not. Fun.

But the Tech's were very professional and had me going quickly, once I was inside the room with the Multi-Million Dollar machine (That goes "Ping!").

The I.V. was expertly placed in my left arm, but the stuff they pumped gave me such a bad taste in my mouth that it was all I could do to hold "it all together" for the final moments of the scan. I had to have the Technician give me an expectoration container as my mouth was over-filled with saliva, a usual indication of imminent hurl.

Hmm. Expectoration. I expect to be spitting up, momentarily, unless you get me something to place this excess saliva.

I soon felt better as the fluids were stopped and the needle was removed and I was released for the next part of my afternoon, off to the Blood office!

The blood draw was relatively painless, but I was completely surprised by the next order for three stool samples.

"Uhh, that ain't happening today", I informed the technician. "Just don't happen to be carrying the gear to perform that little test".

"Oh, it's alright, you have a couple of days to make this happen", the nice lady replied.

This is something new! Doctor never mentioned anything about this little indignity. Ah well. We shall see what we can do to make all that occur.

So endeth my little story of woe this week. Today? I feel absolutely great, better than I have since last Wednesday. My next appointment is in about four hours, and I will have a better grasp of what is going on with myself and the options for action.